Deidara Has a Brother?
by The Bellmaker
Summary: Tobi was watching Television one day, when he saw someone who looked suspiciously like Deidara... Please R&R!
1. And so, it begins

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A/N:

Well, I was driving along, when suddenly this fic popped into my head. I immediately fell in love with it. So, here we go. A single chapter for now, but if you like it, I may do more. Or, I may do more anyway. I need to see how it goes. Very AU.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, Slayers, or a refrigerator.

**Deidara Has a Brother?!**

_The Bellmaker_

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"Sempai! Sempai! Sempai~i!"

Deidara, our beautiful blonde heroine - er, handsome blond hero, froze, head in the refrigerator. _Oh merciful Kami, no._

"Kisame, you've got to...hide...me?" He turned frantically to the shark-nin, who was fussing about in the kitchen. "...Kisame, un?"

Key word being _was_.

"Dammit, un!"

"SEMPAI! ...Sempai?" Tobi looked around. His sempai was _here_. He _knew_ it. But...where?

"Sempai!" The masked nin cried, throwing open the pantry. "Where are you...? Tobi has news!"

There was a very large pot on the stove, and whatever was in it smelled delicious..."Sempai?"

But, alas, his dear sempai was not in the pot. It was some sort of soup...that breathed a sigh of relief as Tobi lowered the lid. The searing pain, Kisame decided, was definitely better than Tobi's attentions.

Finally, the orange-masked nin turned to The Fridge. The Fridge, unique to everything else in the world, was not his friend. It had fallen on him once, and it took Kisame, Kakuzu, and Hidan together to lift it off of him. When they got hungry. A few hours later.

Steeling himself for a blow, Tobi inched towards it, tremulously extending a hand to swing open the door...and reveal who else, but his very own beloved sempai!

"Yay! Sempai! Tobi has news! News for YOU!" Tobi's finger shot out like the wrath of a angry god, aimed straight for Deidara(who, some may say, richly deserved a smiting.) The masked man paused for a moment, and tilted his head. "Good news," he qualified, "because Tobi is a good boy." He seemed oddly pleased with himself.

The blond S-Rank criminal who had so ignobly hidden within an appliance waited for this news. And waited. And waited. Deidara sweatdropped, and asked, "WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS IT, TOBI?! What is this 'news'" -The quotes were clearly audible- "That you just _HAD_ to share with me?!"

"Tobi found your brother! He's on the teevee!" Tobi grabbed his sempai by the wrist and dragged him to the television in the main room of the 'innocuous' apartment most of Akatsuki was forced to share.

"TOBI! Tobi! Dammit, un! Let go! I don't have any family, un!" Deidara's struggles were futile, as the nukenin set him down in front of the television.

"Look, see? Tobi found him!" The man on the screen was a determined-looking swordsman in blue armor, fighting off a small horde of foes. His long, luxurious blond hair was oddly familiar...

"No, Tobi, see, that's an actor, un!" Deidara was relieved. If it was only an actor, Tobi wouldn't go off on one of his harebrained schemes, and maybe even forget about it in a few minutes...but, no, Tobi was shaking his head at an amazing speed. _It's really amazing,_ the blond reflected, _that his mask doesn't just go flying off._

"No! Tobi is a good boy! He knows better than that! The teevee plays this because the people in charge got threatened with death!" This caught Deidara's attention. "At the beginning of every episode, they say, 'This is the au-to-bi-og-raph-ical account of the adventures of the Mighty Sorceress Lina Inverse!' and there's tiny print, that says, 'Help! Oh gods, please! She's going to KILL us! We don't know who she is, or why she sends us this footage, but if you can read this, HELP!' And your brother there, he travels around with her and he fights real good, and see his hair? Tobi can tell! And Tobi thinks he should know he has a sister!"

"...a sister? Tobi, what are you talking about, un? You think he's my brother, so...where..." A horrible realization forces itself upon him. "Tobi..." in a sweet, deadly voice, "you wouldn't be saying you think I'm a...girl, would you?"

"No! Tobi thinks you're a beautiful woman!"

"...DEATH BY SUFFOCATION!" While Deidara did his best to choke the life out of Tobi, a shout was heard.

"**_WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY MONEY?!"_**

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**"HIDAN! This is _your_ fault somehow, I know it!"**Kakuzu yelled, tentacles extended, ready to tear into the bare-chested nukenin for his suspected offense.

"I didn't touch your thrice-damned infidel money!" There was a pause. Hidan looked mildly embarassed.

**"Thrice-damned?"** Kakuzu sounded curious.

"Eheh...well, I came in here a few hours ago, and there was a book on my bed. _Salty Pete's Big Book of Curses, Obcenities, and Othe Fun Words_. There was a note. 'Tobi thinks you need a little more variety'" Another pause. Hidan sweatdropped.

**"I...wasn't aware they printed books like that. Wait, Tobi! TOBI! WHERE THE HELL'S MY MONEY?!"**

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While Hidan and Kakuzu were talking, Deidara had given up on killing Tobi, who was once more talking animatedly.

"...and so Kakuzu bought us tickets across the sea to Atlas City, and..." Deidara's attention was caught.

"Kakuzu...BOUGHT us something? With money, un?"

"Well..."Tobi scuffed his sandle on the floor a bit. "I had to borrow it..."

"You...You touched his MONEY?! Are you insane?! He'll kill us, un!!" Deidara was pacing and gesticulating wildly. "Rip us to pieces and sew us back together so he can do it again! We're GOING to DIE, Tobi, un!"

**"TOBI! WHERE THE HELL'S MY MONEY?!"**

"Across the sea, eh, Tobi? Let's go, un!"

When Kakuzu entered the room a moment later, all he found was an open window.

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A/N: Well, my first attempt at an Akatsuki fic, and the first 'real' crossover I've done. Reviews, people!


	2. Crossing the Great Ocean!

**A/N: Well, I was plotting this out in my head for a few days before I decided to finally get it down on paper. Or...magnetized disc, or whatever, since I'm typing it. But, hey, yanno, whatever works...**

**A/N Redux: Sorry for the length of time since the last update. It's been pretty busy around here, and all. Although, thanks to Shinoskunoichi for a review via PM, since the review system wasn't working for her.**

**Disclaimer:**I do not own Naruto, nor do I own Slayers.

_Deidara has a Brother?!_

_Across the Great Ocean!_

"Hurgh...." Deidara moaned piteously as he hung over the railing. "Tobi...I hate you."

"Sempai! Isn't this GREAT?!" Tobi called down from the crow's nest. He was dancing on the tiny platform. "Tobi loves sailing!"

"How far...*urk*" Deidara interrupted himself briefly, "How much farther...to port, un?" The seasick and sleep-deprived nukenin begged of the ship's captain, a big, be-turbaned man clad entirely in green. The captain stroked his goatee a moment before replying.

"Well...we're making good time. Assuming we can dodge the serpent, and no Navy ships try to intercept us...another day. If we have to fight..." he shrugged. "Two, maybe three days. If the serpent shows up, we'll be lucky to make it at all, though. This is a rather small ship to hunt sea monsters in, yeah?" He laughed, a big, booming laugh that seemed entirely out of place when he was talking about his own death.

"Sempai! Green-san!"

"Akiroshi's my name! How many times do I need to tell you?!" The seaman roared, shaking his fist at the masked man in the lookout's position.

"Not...ugh...captain?" The suffering blond queried, "I thought sea captains always...insisted on 'Captain'."

"Well…" Akiroshi was looking away, unwilling to make eye contact, "I'm…not exactly a captain…"

"Eh? What do you mean, not a captain, un?!" Deidara asked, alarmed, seasickness all but forgotten.

"I'm only a Senior Officer of the Fleet. Not a Captain…"

"Akiroshi-san! Sempai! Look! Look! What's that?" Tobi was pointing, and waving, and bouncing on the narrow platform he stood on, so very far above the deck.

"Should he be doing that…?" Akiroshi mused, watching the man's antics dangerously high in the air. "If he slips…My grandfather broke his back, falling from the rigging…"

"We're ninja, he'll be fine, un." Deidara dismissed the sailor's worries as he scanned the ocean with his scope, "But what's he talking about? I don't…see…What the hell is that?!?"

For, indeed, the very seas roiled with the wrath of some nameless sea god, as a massive object rose to the surface…and rose…and rose, until the green and scaly object towered high over the ship, leering down at the terrified crew, and the passengers.

"The serpent! Damn. I was hoping we could avoid it, but…" The green man was smiling…a hungry, dangerous smile. "It looks like it's a fight. A good one. Oy! Hop to it, ye dogs! We can take this gods-forsaken, glorified Triketos! Where's my sword?! Where's that mage?!"

A pair of crewmen came up from below, lugging between them a huge sword, as big as a man, and behind them an old, old man in a dark robe, maybe black, maybe blue, perhaps purple. Akiroshi seized the sword in one hand, and pointed with the other.

"Oy, finger-wiggler! This is what you're here for! Put it down!" He roared.

"Oh, ah, umm…this…It's a sea dragon of some kind…Very resistant to magic. I am," The old man preened a bit, "a master sorcerer. But I am afraid…I won't be able to do much beyond delaying it…"

"Magic?" Deidara scoffed, "Preposterous!"

"Oo! Oo! Tobi has an idea! Tobi has an idea!" Tobi was sitting on the decking in front of the mage, waving his arm in the air like an excited schoolchild. The mage looked at him expectantly. Tobi returned the look brightly. The mage looked at him in annoyance. Tobi waved his arm a bit faster, stretching higher, as though the mage may have overlooked him sitting there.

Deidara sighed deeply. "Yes, Tobi, un?"

"Deidara-sempai and Tobi could help! We're…" he paused, and looked around as though revealing a deep, dark secret, before continuing in a stage whisper, "_ninja_. Sempai is super-strong! We're S-class nukenin!"

"Tobi! We don't brag about-!" Deidara began to scold, when he was interrupted.

"Being criminals? For fear of being turned in, or the like, yeh? Well, you two are in good company!" Akiroshi beamed. The blond blinked. "Didn't, er, Tobi, there tell you? Why do you think navies are after us? We…are Pirates! The pirates of the Whiskey Lullaby!"

"Notorious cutthroats of great renown!" Tobi chimed in. Suddenly, something crashed to deck, shattering boards and snapping ropes, before grabbing two of the burly sailors.

"Ah, hah, the dragon, right. Well, do what you will. Mage, waterwalking, if you would?" After the spell was cast, Akiroshi jumped right over the edge of the ship, massive sword in hand. Tobi followed, whistling a cheery tune.

While this by-play was going on, the crew had been readying ballistae and a catapult to battle the dragon. The siege engines began to open fire, casting great bolts and the occasional great flaming ball of pitch.

Deidara was grumbling and shaping clay, while the mage chanted and waved. "Stupid pirates, and stupid dragons, and stupid Tobi for getting us involved in all of this…"

"_Source of all life, Flame Burning Bright, Ignite my Foe with Your Holy Light! _Immolate!" The mage called the Chaos Words, and cast his spell at the beast, doing little more than drying it off a bit.

Finishing his sculpting, Deidara cast his gaze over the battle. The ship was heavily damaged, and the catapult was smashed to kindling. The mage's…jutsu, yes, jutsu, because there's _no such thing as magic_, were useless, and the sailors couldn't do anything. That crazy green-clothed sailor was busy trying to stab the dragon in the face, and Tobi was babbling in its ear. Forming a hand sign, he expanded the three small statuettes he had made out of well-chewed clay. Two birds and a Moth of Unusual Size stood before him. Mounting up on one of the birds, the three forms took to the air.

"Tobi! We're leaving!" He called to his assigned 'partner', "Get on!" one of the birds flew over to pick up Tobi while the MoUS fluttered down the dragon's throat.

"Sempai! What about Green-san?" Tobi seemed worried about the pirate, who was doing his damnedest to burrow into the dragon's skull with that massive sword of his. He jumped the twenty feet to the bird easily.

"I'll be fine! Just go! I'm having the time...of...my...Life!" The last three words were punctuated by vicious thrusts at the more vulerable bits of the face: The two eyes...and the serpent's nose. The sword managed to stab into the nose, eliciting a roar of pain from the dragon...who dove down into the depths. Wild, roaring laughter could be heard, until the dragon dove. Minutes later, a long strip of green cloth floated to the surface, the turban, undone by the sea. The ship slowly slid beneath the waves.

Tobi, luckily enough, did not witness this, as he was already riding on to the far shore, now clearly visible. Nor did he really wonder when Deidara made the chakra pulse to detonate his clay MoUS. After all, Sempai was always blowing something up...

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"Jiraiya, this is...worrying information."

"I know. What could they want on the far side of the Great Sea? There are no Jinchuuriki over there..."

"Four Akatsuki, though...it _must_ be something important. Go across the sea, and see if you can figure out what they want. Hmm...bring Naruto, too. Continue his training."

"Yes."

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**A/N:**Well, it's done. After much too long, and far too many rewrites of a small chunk that I kept losing, It's finished. Chapter Two is Here! Chapter three will probably come along sometime next week. The chapters seem a bit short to me, but There will never be an update of less than a Thousand words of Actual content. Believe it!


	3. I dunno!

**A/N: Well, Chapter Three is here! And Our beloved duo is finally across the Sea! What's more, Lina and Gourry are finally in the fic! Sit back, and enjoy the ride!**

_Deidara Has a Brother?!_

_I dunno!_

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"Gourry..." A small girl whined, "I'm _hungry~!_ How far to the next town?"

"Well," Her armoured traveling companion thought a moment, "we left...how many days ago?...So..." he began to count on his fingers, before scratching the back of his head, embarassed. "I dunno! I think we're lost."

A worrying growl comes from the little girl. It's downright intimidating, in fact. "Lost? _Lost? _We're only a few days out of Seyruun, and we're already _lost? W_here's Amelia? She has the map..." She looked around, searching for the black-haired little pest, entirely forgetting that they sent her off to buy food, when suddenly, two shapes seemed to materialize in front of them. Used to similar appearances, Lina's Flare Arrows were already heading towards their targets when she realized they weren't bounty hunters, and they hadn't done _anything_threatening. At all, which was rather unusual for her. After all, everyone seemed to think she was Lina, Enemy of All Living Things, or The Dragon Spooker, or some other insulting title, and they tended to either attack or flee on sight.

One dodged easily, vanishing into the bushes on the side of the road. The other wasn't quite so lucky.

"Ack-!" The black-clothed figure burst into flame. However, when the flames died down, just as quickly as ever, all that was left was a charred log.

"Lina! You can't just go attacking people like that!" The armoured swordsman exclaimed, "I mean, I think you killed him-!"

"If I killed him, wouldn't there be a body, Gourry?"

"Heh heh, yeah, I guess..."

"Sempai! Sempai! See? Tobi told you it was them!" A cheery voice rang out from the underbrush, and a black-clothed, slightly singed, masked man stepped from the bushes. The mask was bright orange, and his cloak, which was rather short, was embroidered with strange red clouds.

"Yeah, yeah, Tobi, we found them, un." A - man, maybe? - with familiar, long, blond hair jumped down from the treetops. He was dressed identically, but for the mask. Only one eye was visible, the other concealed by his hair.

"So, uh..." Gourry stepped forward, "Who are you, exactly?" He looked confused.

"Oo! Tobi is Tobi, Gourry-san!" The masked man shouted happily, ignorant of the inherent hilarity of that statement, "and this is Deidara-Sempai! Your brother!"

"Oh...Wait. M-my _WHAT?!"_

"Oh, please, in the name of whatever god may be listening, please, explain to him why it can't be true..." Deidara was begging, his sole visible eye brimming with tears. He clasped his ands before him, but one of the hands accidentally bit itself on the tongue, so he snatched them away again.

"Hmmm...I dunno..." The young girl, Lina, was looking closely at Deidara, examining his face at...uncomfortably close range. "You two _are_ really similar...wait, are you wearing eyeliner?" Suddenly, there was a dull roar. Lina turned beet red. "Where's Amelia with the _food?_ We sent her out _hours ago!"_ She pouted cutely.

"Well...heheheh...funny story...I don't remember if he's my brother! I mean, I'm _pretty_ sure I have one, and she does sorta look like me...so wouldn't it be my sister?" He shrugs as he talks, laughing nervously.

Lina clubbed him over the head with her fist before the nukenin had time to process his words. "Okay, idiot, first of all, he's a _guy_. Second, **HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER?! **I know you're an idiot, but shouldn't you sorta know these things?!" She seemed very, very angry at this further proof that Gourry was an idiot savant.

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"Hey, Kakuzu, what the hell are you looking at?" A man, white hair slicked back and robe open down his chest, asked of his traveling companion, whose attention had been siezed by a couple sheets of paper.

**"These wanted posters..."**Kakuzu replied, not looking up, **"This 'Lina Inverse' and 'Gourry Gabriev' are very lucrative marks. It says here, 500,000 of those gold coins for their capture, Hidan. _Five hundred thousand_**." One could hear the...lust...in his voice.

"So? How much is that in ryo? Those Jashin-damned coins are confusing." Hidan asked, with an angry wave of his triple-scythe.

**"Those gold coins are _very _pure. I would say...nearly six billion ryo. _Each._" **The mask over his face, no, the entire front of his robe was soaked in drool. **"Oh! And here's another, a known companion of theirs, 'Zelgadis Greywords'. For the same bounty!" **Near-religious ecstasy etched his words.

"Jashin..." Hidan breathed, shocked, "They're worth more than any two Akatsuki put together! Any three, maybe! _Each!_ There's _one_ guy back home worth anything even remotely near that, and he's dangerous as _hell!_ No-one even knows what Kiyomu Fukuda _looks like!_ Damn! What did they do?!"

**"Wanted for reducing multiple villages to smoking craters, the murder of Daymia the Violet, Suspected in the disappearance of Halcyform the White, assault, breaking and entering, suspected to be working towards the revival of Ruby-Eye Shabranigdu..."** Kakuzu paused, **"Caution is advised: Lina is a master Sorceress, and despite her appearance, may be as much as ninety years old. And on this other one, Caution is advised: Gourry is a Master Swordsman, and holds a mighty enchanted blade. Zelgadis is a master of Shamanistic magic, and is part demon. He is nearly invulnerable to most attacks."**

"Whoever put up the bounty knows a damn lot about them..." The white haired man muttered, bitterly.

**"I would class them at SS-rank. However...our abilities should prove effective against them. These are our targets. Tobi can wait."**

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**A/N: **There will be a change in the point of view for chapter four, so we might not see any of the Akatsuki next chapter. But we will be seeing Naruto and Zelgadis! Tune in next time, when Deidara complains, "Why are teenagers always so damn powerful, un?!"


	4. A Man in a Cool Hat

**A/n: Well, I've finally gotten back to this fic! So let's get right into the action.**

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_Deidara Has a Brother?!_

_A Man In a Cool Hat_

"Hold it right there!" A large, muscular man shouted as he stepped out from behind a tree. He waved his sword menacingly. Behind him, and behind his targets, a great many other bandits were doing the same.

However...the two travelers they were attempting to menace...weren't. The white-haired old man seemed oddly pleased, even. He turned to the boy next to him and spoke, "Naruto, let's see if all that training's done any good. What principle are they forgetting?"

The boy, identified as Naruto, put on a show of thinking about it, before snapping his fingers. "'An unknown foe is a dangerous foe.' Right, Ero-Sennin?" He seemed pleased with himself.

"I said hold it!" The bandit was ignored.

"Don't call me that, but great! Exactly! Now, I'm going to leave them to you. With such a dearth of 'research' around, I need to devote more and more time to my writing, so it doesn't slip. Have fun!" The aged hermit brought his hands together and disappeared in a swirl of leaves. The bandits gaped, having never seen anything like this, before. Naruto, meanwhile, was stretching. The bandit chief finally regained his wits, and smirked at the orange-clad boy, showing all of the wisdom expected of one in his position...

"Hah! You're all alone, now! But don't worry, just hand over all your stuff and we might let you live!" He brandished his sword again, perhaps for some reason hoping it would actually achieve something.

Naruto was muttering under his breath, disparaging the Pervy Sage, his 'research', his books, and his skills. He pulled out a kunai and took his stance, "Come on! I don't have all day!"

"Grrr...Get him!" And with that, the bandits were upon him. The first sign that something may be a bit off about this fight was the fact that the blond boy seemed to be in four places at once. The four Narutos put up a solid fight, felling bandits with kicks to the head and the occasional kunai to the leg, as they dodged and blocked the wild swings of the untrained and inexperienced bandits. In mere moments only the leader was standing, surrounded by the four blonds who had destroyed his entire band.

He dropped his sword and fell to his knees, shaking in fear. "D-d-don't hurt me! Please!" He begged, tears streaming down his face. Naruto sighed.

"Pathetic. If you're going to mess with ninja, at least be able to put up a fight! Come on!"

"Ni-ni-ninja? No way you're a ninja! Look at you!" The bandit leader was shaken out of his begging by this ridiculous statement. Really, who ever heard of a ninja who wore _orange? _

"See this headband? See it? That's proof! I'm a ninja of Konoha!" The conversation was going downhill fast. Jiraiya, however, interrupted, appearing suddenly and knocking out the bandit as he looked down the road, watching. "Hey! Whad'ja do that for?"

"Quiet, brat. Someone's coming." And sure enough, moments after the two of them hid in the treetops, a man with long, wavy black hair and what Naruto privately believed to be the second most awesome hat ever(after, of course, the Hokage's hat) entered the small clearing the fight had taken place in.

"Wha-what happened here?! Damn it!" He grapped the bandit leader and slapped him back into conciousness. "What happened?!" The man seemed angry.

"Ugh...we accidentally tried to rob ninja. Sorr-" The bandit didn't even have time to apologise before the man tossed him over his shoulder.

"Grrr...now how are we supposed to get those two?" The man griped, "I knew hiring bandits was a bad idea! She's 'The Bandit Slayer' after all, and they didn't even get here yet and the bandits're wiped out!"

"Perhaps you would be willing to offer your services?" A calm voice spoke...from right behind the two in the trees! Barely manging to restrain themselves from instinctively filling the speaker with sharp and pointies, the two ninja whirled - as best as one can 'whirl' in a tree - to find a black-cloaked man with a big red gem in his forehead floating there behind them. "Since, after all, you did remove the ones who were supposed to aid us in securing the fugitives."

"Naruto..." The boy looked to Jiraiya, who motioned for him to return to the ground. The two ninja vacated the tree, followed by the floating figure, startling the man in the hat. The Sannin turned to size up the cloaked man. "It could be..." he mused, "That we can come to an arrangement. What are the details?" This was, after all, as good an opportunity as any to fish for information. And if they could get paid for it in the process, well, so much the better!

"Hey...what's going on, here? Vrumugun, who're they?" The behatted man demanded, his hand on the hilt of his sword. He was completely ignored.

Vrumugun descended to the ground. "You would aid us in subduing the fugitives Lina Inverse and Gourry Gabriev, for transport to Sairaag. For this, you would be paid handsomely. Be warned, though, these fugitives are quite dangerous. Lina is a sorceress, and Gourry a master swordsman. They will be passing through this clearing, so we will be attempting to subdue them here."

Jiraiya let the magic reference go by without comment. If that's what they called jutsu here, then let them. He nodded. "It's a deal. Naruto, let's get started on some traps. Nothing too dangerous, though. This is a capture mission, after all."

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**A/N: Well, There's chapter four. A bit short, but this entire story seems to be made out of short chapters. Forgive me! **

**Well, I have a new oneshot in the works, starring Tobi and Zetsu, so keep an eye out for it! Also, My recent oneshot, Team Heatstroke, is losing oneshot status. It is going to be part of a series of at least four chapters with loose continuity. As such, it's going to get a name change and an update sometime soon.**

**Thanks for reading! As always, I look forward to any reviews! **


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